I've tried really hard to leave my self out of this whole professional equation of mine. As much as I'd like to, I cannot leave out the real reasons for why I do what I do for a living. My formal training has been pivotal in my career path but I also know that no college course could have taught me the experience of fear, shame, loneliness, desperation; no degree could have taught me the experience of acceptance, joy, flow or triumph; and no job could teach me the value of inner peace, or to stay when all I wanted to do was escape, by any means necessary. I acknowledge that my experience is just as unique as anyone else I encounter. And it feels important to share that what I bring to every session, or classroom, or group, or other professional relationship is so much more than coursework, work experience or a well-intended desire to help people.
I have boiled it down to this: being alive has always felt more challenging and emotionally draining than it has felt joyful or easy. (I'm aware of my multi-faceted privilege when I describe my life as 'challenging'.) Most of my suffering, for most of my life, has taken place internally, invisibly, witnessed by almost no one. There have been many incidents, relationships and changes that have contributed to the suffering and I often got myself through things by assuming this is how it was for everyone. This got me through it in one sense, but in another sense it made me feel like something was wrong with me for having such a hard time doing so. This set me up for decades of trying to be someone I was not, and to be anywhere other than where I was, at any given time... until I learned that:
"Wherever you go, there you are." -Jon Kabat-Zinn
This is the truth. No matter how many times I switched schools, changed jobs and careers, moved, numbed with drugs and alcohol, or started then ended relationships, I always hoped these changes would either somehow: a) change me at my core, or b) make me happy. You know how it goes... "if only I had my dream job", "if only I had the perfect partner", "I'll be happy when I achieve x, y or z."
You know what happens to most people I meet with that mind set? And what happened to me?
Constant comparison. Constant fantasizing about another life. "Selective reality", as I like to call it - in other words, intentionally denying certain aspects of your life, identity, reality.
Or maybe time goes by, you don't achieve x, y or z. Or you experience a devastating loss, or failure. And you find yourself thinking, "This isn't how my life was supposed to turn out", "It's not supposed to be like this."
Or actually, you achieve a few of those dreams and then wonder, "Is this all there is?", "This isn't what I thought it would be like", "I thought this would make me happy."
"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." -Dr. Wayne W. Dyer
It took a long time to make peace with myself, and my life, and the truth of it all. And the journey is certainly on-going. What I've learned along the way has become the foundation for much of my work, and life in general, which is that: it can all be true, and be okay.
